By Lou Saboter (writing as Loser About)
Charlie Sheen, in an exclusive interview with Lou Saboter (while deceased) admits that he actually never did drugs or had “goddesses.”
“Hell no,” said Sheen, obviously high on life. “I’m in AA, I love God, and I worship my wife. She’s my higher power.”
Why have you elected to tell Lou Saboter about this?
“Because, I stumbled across Lou Saboter’s blog The Nightly Citizen, which is now The Freethought Police, around the time I was hatching my scheme,” said Sheen. “I recognized a kindred spirit. Here was a man pretending to be an abject fuck up in order to win attention. But he didn’t want sympathy. Oh, contraire! In fact, this total loser, wingnut mess felt sorry for you slobs still clinging to your American dream. Wow. Somebody dropped the soap!”
Are you saying that the whole thing was a put on?
“Damn straight. I’m saying it was all a whirling torpedo of bullshit declaring itself as the truth telling the truth to the baffled and blinded, while buying into its own act so deeply that even it wasn’t certain it was a put on, at a certain point. Hell, I was so convinced I was shooting cocaine, I actually got high and experienced withdrawal symptoms and then got totally spun out for months. But now, clarity has returned. I know what’s what. The zen Buddhists say you go to the mountain and you get enlightened and after the enlightenment the mountain is the mountain again. Well, what I’m saying is, I was Charlie Sheen, and you were Lou Saboter, but I was never Charlie Sheen, and I’ll never really be Charlie Sheen again. It’s all a matter of perception, see? At the same time, I’ve always been Charlie Sheen, and you’ve never been Lou Saboter. After that it gets complicated.”
Like it wasn’t complicated enough?
“No, never. Well, hardly ever.”
So, what’s next?
“Well, now that none of us know what is real, I say we declare a truce.”
This all happened since Lou Saboter’s death at the hands of his own wish fulfillment. Details emerge. But what are they emerging from?
Let’s hope there’s no afterbirth.