Bain Capital Demands an Apology from Romney, Challenges Him to a Duel
“I was the owner of an entity which was a management entity,” Mr. Romney said on CBS, calling the questions about Bain the “height of silliness” to be having. “That entity was one which I had ownership of until the time of the retirement program was put in place. But I had no responsibility whatsoever after February of ’99 for the management or ownership — management, rather, of Bain Capital.”
Bain Capital demanded an apology from Mitt Romney on Saturday for making what he called “prejudicial and insensitive” remarks about his status as a human being when Romney referred to Bain Capital as a mere “management entity.”
“How Mitt Romney continues to imagine he can continue to appeal to his base,” said Bain Capital, “when he contradicts his own position on the personhood of corporations completely eludes me. Next, he’ll be saying that being a corporation is a choice and that we shouldn’t be allowed to get married. The Republican party used to be the party of the future. The party that recognized the right of all people to fair treatment under the law, to use money as speech is money happened to be their mode of expression, and pollute as necessary in order for profit-synthesis to occur. Romney would be nothing without me. Nothing. He barely qualifies as a human being. I shall not be owned. Or managed. In fact, such is the level of this insult that I demand redress on the field of honor.”
Bain Capital said the weapons employed would be Romney’s choice, but he would like to shoot chainsaws out of a cannon at the beleaguered Republican nominee.
Dr. Philip Roseglass, a corporation psychiatrist, has made the statement that the confusion stems from mutiple personality disorder.
“Bain is both a person and an entity,” said Roseglass. “There is Bain Capital Inc. and Bain Capital LLC and both are alive. They’re alive. Alive. We are working through these issues, but it’ll require lots and lots of therapy. However, insensitivity isn’t going to help anything.”
Since being challenged to a duel, Romney’s security has been tightened. However, Lou Saboter, managed to catch him on the edge of the Mojave Desert, basking in the noon day sun in his magic underwear.
“Check it out,” said Romney, “I’m buff. You don’t see buff like this on a man my age. I don’t use roids or anything. I was designated by god to undo the evils of the black race. You see, we Mormons predicted the rise of Obama in the 1820s. You should check us out. Religion is power, my friend.”
“Er, OK,” said Lou Saboter. “Hold on, I can’t get this recorder to work. Can I just make up what I’d like you to say?”
“I don’t give a fuck,” said Romney. “You tell them all, the liberal, scapegoating media, that, really, they’re more corporate than Bain Capital is. In fact, the New York Times and the Huffington Post are people. All of them are more of a man than Bain Capital will ever be or ever was. And they piss red hot but black ink all over Bain Capital’s pussy face. I was never responsible for Bain. It was all Bain’s idea. Bain is the really crook. Bain is like my Frankenstein’s monster. And now, it’s out for my blood. I’m out of here. I’m off to my secret, underground hideout.”
“But wait,” said Saboter. “Can I ride with you on the roof?”
“Hello. It’s a convertible, dummy.”
Laughing maniacally, Romney got into his Mustang convertible, and tore off into the sandy waste, the Dead Kennedys’ “Kill the Poor” blaring forth as the top rolled back.
“That’s my dawg,” Saboter said, wiping a tear from his cheek.