By Carl-John X Veraja
In a measure that proponents believe will save “a whole lot” of unborn lives, President Santorum signed the All Births Obviously Require Testing bill into law.
“With a few strokes of the pen or pens,” said Santorum, “I hereby deliver more souls from the clutches of irresponsibly fornicating abortiterrorists into a tender, loving, Christian society waiting to receive and employ them. No child should be afraid of being a fetus.”
Senator Gus Agnew, who sponsored the original bill, which had called for mandatory pregnancy testing of unmarried women suspected of unsupervised dating, was pleased that the bill now required random drug testing of women whose marriages had been grandfathered in after divorce was made illegal.
The Vatican II has reported that illegal pregnancies are often linked to secret abortions.
“These murderers of the innocent, these lowly, accursed women who sacrifice unborn souls on the altar of demonic perversity, yes, it is they who also must be apparently made to feel the full weight of this here new law,” said Agnew. “Whether they are hiding in a false marriage or in the back of a sports car, no ovary shall go unchecked. For too long have pregnancies, ripe opportunities for murder and mayhem, gone on beyond the periphery of the scope of a civilized society, the left hand not judging the right hand for what it is doing. With a small adjustment to the practices whereby ovarian processes are made transparent we shall deliver, literally and figuratively, more baby.”
There was some concern in the Senate about how the bill would be paid for until it was decided that the women tested would pay for it themselves whether or not they were found to be pregnant.
“If they’re not pregnant, they should be pleased to be paying into a system that helps maintain feminine rectitude in the public and divine eye,” said Santorum. “Also, a dollar of every sale goes to the Girls Shaming Guild.”
All pregnancy tests are now produced by a company owned by Karen Santorum that was left her in Dr. Thomas Allen’s will. Dr. Thomas Allen was Karen’s former friend and fellow pro-life advocate.
Women who are found to be illegally pregnant will be immediately placed under custody and monitored to insure their baby’s safety. They will then serve 5 to 7 years if they turn down the clitoridectomy.
The bill also provides incentives for women to have more than 10 children.