(These are some passages from a recently discovered collection of clay tablets, excavated in Jerusalem, which appear to tell some familiar Bible stories from a decidedly different point of view than is normally preached. No doubt, they were the product of a deranged group of anti-semites of ancient Rome who believed in conspiracy theories.)
And then the rabbis, seeking to trick Jesus, brought before him a woman accused of adultery and said, “Hey, didn’t your dad say we should stone this shiksa? She was caught doing the you know what with the wrong dude.”
And Jesus pretended not to hear them and drew pictures of big noses on the ground, because this really pissed the kikes off.
“Don’t play around, King of the Israelites,” said the head rabbi, Morey Finkelstein. “You know the penalty for disobeying the law.”
And Jesus spoke under his breath, saying, “With a nose like that, someone gets a hook in it, no way you’re going to escape Hell.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing,” said Jesus. “Look. You can’t stone her. She’s a white woman, and you’re a bunch of stinking jews. And don’t bring the Holocaust into this. That hasn’t even not happened yet.”
And there was wailing and gnashing of teeth and much talk of Shoah.
“Are you saying we’re not righteous? Look at this getup I have on. And the offerings I make,” said rabbi Goldberg.
“When they invent showers, use one,” Jesus spake unto him.
“Nothing. Didn’t you learn when I threw your money lenders out of the Temple?” asked Jesus. “And, I’m not even kidding, that Temple going down. And don’t even try to rebuild it, or I may come back and put the kabosh on your whole parasitic race.”
“This is an outrage,” said the rabbi. “You can’t treat us like this. We are descended from Abraham.”
“Lying Edomite, I could raise up descendents of Abraham from that bagel you’ve waving around if I wanted,” said Jesus. “One day, you guys are going to think you’ve got the whole show all sewn up and then, at your moment of seeming triumph, well, ho ho, I won’t spoil it.”
“What, tell me? Tell me?” the rabbi demanded.
“Ha, wouldn’t you like to know,” Jesus scoffed. “Wait till you find out what the seven candles are really all about.”
“This man is a liar,” the rabbi started shouting. “He wants to gas the Jews and turn them into soap and lampshades.”
And the self-hating white liberals started to fall for the kike antics and picked up rocks to stone Jesus, but Jesus slipped into the crowd and evaded the retribution for imaginary crimes against the fake chosen people. And each of the liberals was patted on the head and told they were good goyim. Then, the rabbis made off to sacrifice one of their children to Lucifer and to produce goyim burgers.
“Do you claim to be the king of the Israelites?” asked Pilate.
“You just said so,” said Jesus.
“See what a smart-ass he is. That’s how racists are. He’s got a gang of 12 Nazis, and I think they want a white nation. That’s not good for you or us. Let his blood be on our heads,” said the rabbis. “And on the heads of our children. This is why we need more immigration.”
“That is so weird how you speak in unison,” noted Pilate.
“We all get signals from outer space sent by Lucifer,” they said.
“All right, already, with the Luciferian space voice,” said Pilate. “What, you want that I kill Jesus? But the people love him. They think he’s the King of the Israelites. And he provided free food, and cured the blind and lame, and even brought someone back from the dead. I dunno…”
“Well, don’t you worry,” said the rabbis, “we’ll fix that. These white people are so gullible, that we’ll feed them doses of Christian Zionism until one day their children’s children’s children will wake up and think Jesus was a Jew. Then we’ll take them for quite a ride, all right.”
“You guys are messed up,” said Pilate.
But the rabbis began to chant: “No justice, no peace. No justice, no peace.”
And Pilate grew weary of the mass of stinking, whiny rabbis before him speaking in one voice. Plus, they bribed him better than the rest. So, he said, “Fine,” washing his hands and wondering what whore he would dally the evening with.
And rabbi Mohelstein, who loved a ruse, exclaimed, “This is going to be good. We’ve got you now, Jesus. The shekels shall surely be ours for the taking. Your white race is doomed.”
“You guys are convincing in more ways than one,” said Jesus. “You can’t fool all the goyim all the time with those honkers, greedy greasy hands, and your obnoxious behavior.”
“Anti-semite! Shame!” they accused.